There are two sorts of trails on the Yarra. The ones you are allowed to ride, and the ones you aren't.

The naughty trails.

Firstly, let us say that we do not condone anyone riding these trails. Yes, they are great trails. Yes, they are technical. Yes they are great for XC MTBs, but they're also patrolled by nasty grey men who probably have never ridden a bike in their life. Most of the naughty trails are in and around the Richmond to Kew boathouse area. You'll see them pretty easily - they are the ones with what looks like a bad $200 bike with a cross through it. I used to think that if you had a good bike with disc brakes and suspension you were allowed to ride on them. I thought they were vetting the quality of bikes, rather than bikes perse'. But no, after a couple of warnings, all MTBs are forbidden. The trail that is the most fun takes off from the end of Gibbs St in Collingwood. Don't ride this. It is technical, lots of steps climbs and some very big cliffs. Again, we say don't ride this.

One area that you can ride is just off Studley Park Rd on the left. It's a loop that takes off the Boulevard. Officially known as poofters loop, because of the sheer number of aftershave wearing men with neat haircuts who seem to walk aimlessly through the bush looking for - well, use your imagination. Just off the road to the left is a whole selection of trails and no signs saying you can't ride. Off to the right, in the island between the road loop are a small section of single tracks - very cool and fast - and again, no signs with $200 MTBs on them.

The good ones.

From Dainese corner on the Boulevard just up from Chandler Highway (named after the leather clad superbike warriors wearing Dainese full leathers with pristine knee sliders) right through to Warrandyte are the biggest group of cool single tracks anywhere. Nearly all are ok to ride. The hot spots are:

1. Burke Rd / Eastern Freeway intersection.

Just off to the left of the Yarra are some of the nest single tracks anywhere. Dunno who cut them. They seem to appear overnight. New ones pop up every month. Who ever's doing it - we love you. Twisty, technical, fast and silly.

2. Veneto Club to Manningham Rd.
Just off to the side of the Yarra is a trail that rips. Go crazy on this one.

3. Poofters Surprise - Yarra / Manningham Rd - Ivanhoe side

Nothing against gay men here, but that's what it's called. The trail takes off to the left under the Manningham Rd Bridge heading towards Melbourne. Tight, technical crazy stuff. It's called poofters surprise because it's densely bushed out and it's common to come across grown men in a startled state with their pants around their knees. Good luck to them I say. (mind you, I always carry my capsicum spray on night rides through there)They probably call the area - Mountain Bike r Riders surprise!

4. Burke Rd to Templestowe, Ivanhoe side.

Just so many tracks it's silly. Keep looking to the right and you'll see single tracks. Most of them now link up. They go for miles. They are technical. They are hilarious.

5. Templestowe to Eltham

More tracks everywhere. If you are on the proper bike track for more than a couple of minutes, then you've missed a trail. Off to the left are some great trails and around Eltham you'll find more.

6. Templestowe to Warrandyte.

It's a good ride- the track supply dries up a bit with one main track only. A great ride though. Keep looking for trails that take off the left.

There are so many cool tracks along the Yarra it's impossible to name them all. I ride them every week of the year and never ever get bored. There's new ones popping up every month and always something unexpected.

Just remember; stay off the trails that say no bikes. Even though they are excellent, even though you hardly ever seem to have anyone on them, even though MTBs cause less problems than people with their dogs shitting every where, it's really naughty and we would be really really upset about it.

Diets